The #!%$! "Joy" of Autism

Guest Speaker

2011-08-04T11:05:00.002-04:00

Wow- I am so honored to be the guest speaker at this month's Rotary Club luncheon meeting! I have a few ideas for possible topics to discuss and would appreciate any feedback. Here's what I have so far:

How to maximize your parole.

Herpes- when do you bring it up?

Why dog ownership is way better than parenthood.

Yoga for amputees

Quick and easy recipes for affordable homemade explosives

Aliens: Myths or architects of the Pyramids?

"Autism and eyes closed"

2011-06-14T20:32:00.006-04:00

Just for today, I have changed the privacy setting on my Facebook page to "Everyone" in order to reach as many people as I possibly can.
As everyone knows, my daughter Lizzie has Autism.
Or she is Autistic.
Not really sure of the ettiquette...
Anyhow, almost two years ago Lizzie closed her eyes and since then she hasn't really opened them at all. At first she would walk into things (and people) and hurt herself (and people) but since then she has learned to keep her eyes open just a tiny slit or perhaps take an occasional peek, or perhaps she has miraculously developed sonar. Not really sure about this, either.....
This has caused a great deal of anguish to everyone except Lizzie. School feels that it is a hinderance to her learning. The Groden Center feels that it is a behavior to be addressed. Solutions Cedar has suspended Lizzie's PASS hours until this "safety issue" is resolved. Sadly, Lizzie has not been labelled 'Legally Blind' and thus continues to be discriminated against/harrassed/generally annoyed across all settings.
My dilemma: let Lizzie choose to be voluntarily blind as a way to diminish her sensory overload OR- continue down the diagnostic highway with frequent stops at every eye specialist, neurologist, child psychologist, and behavioral specialist along the way. I asked Lizzie if she could hear better with her eyes closed and she said that she did. She also told me to stop talking about it. When I tell her that it is time to work on reading skills, she opens her eyes (a little) and reads pretty well for a kid who really doesn't love to read!
Right now she is wearing a pajama top with blue penguins and pajama bottoms with pink cupcakes- and she is aware of it- and she doesn't care. I don't care either. Every morning she chooses her own perfectly-appropriate clothes for school.
As a parent, I want my child to be happy and safe.
I used to wish for her to be "normal" but now I know better.
I like the Lizzie I have: she doesn't sass back or text incessantly about boys, (she doesn't even like to talk on the phone), she never asks for slutty clothes or a tattoo, she will never experiment with drugs- she won't even try new foods without a major scene.
I believe that Lizzie has the right to be herself: the somewhat-verbal, always-comical, seldom-polite, petite, beautiful girl who hates dogs and snow days and loves perfume and swimming and techno music.
Is there anyone, ANYONE at all, who knows someone or someone's friend or someone's neighbor's dentist's cousin-in-law who likes to have his or her eyes closed all the time??? If so, I'm just curious. HMU.

Snowstorm Etiquette and FAQ

2011-01-11T18:42:00.003-05:00

In case you missed the news (perhaps you have been in a coma or lost at sea in a raft): there's a BIG snowstorm coming.
Here's how you can help:
Stay out of the way. Let the plows get out there and get the roads and parking lots cleared. Tonight while you are snug in your beds, the plows will out there with salt and sand prepping the roads.
The firefighters in your town will be out several times during the height of the storm making sure all the fire hydrants are shoveled out. Help them to help you: stay out of the way! Do not shovel all the snow out of your drivieway onto the nearest fire hydrant and bury it.

It is recommended that all "non-essential" travel is suspended for the next 12 hours or so. So getting to your 7 a.m. Pilates class would be "non-essential", as cruel as that sounds.
Hey- I'm from NH- we drive in any weather! But remember- just because your road is clear does not mean that the girl who opens your workout facility at 6 every morning can get out of her driveway safely. So let's not be a self-absorbed whiner, okay? If you really need to get your workout in, go shovel out your elderly neighbor. Shovel out a hydrant. Or take the day off. Have some liquor.

Here's a handy checklist to help you with any additional questions you may have:

What exactly is "non-essential" travel?
Answer: if you are not Police, Fire or Medical personnel or a snow plow operator; your travel would be non-essential.
If you are actively involved in giving birth, the road is yours.
If you jump in your BMW to grab a latte; well, that's just not essential.

In fact, if you have to pause and wonder "Am I essential?", you are, in fact, not.

Bumper Sticker Idea:

2010-11-05T14:33:00.001-04:00

"Honk if you want to see my middle finger."

Halloween

2010-10-30T20:38:00.003-04:00

Halloween is the greatest holiday: you get to eat crap and wear a costume and it doesn't usually involve a big road trip or a shitload of credit card debt and you don't have to use your best manners.
I dressed up as 80's Aerobics Barbie today and I swear I didn't have a single evil thought or urge to kick anyone in the shins and that's pretty unusual.
You just can't be grumpy in a costume- unless you dress up as Grumpy, of course.
I think we should have a monthly or even weekly costume day: wouldn't we all be in better moods? I could wear my wedding gown once in a while. If I'm having a bad hair day, I'll don a hoodie and sunglasses and be the Unibomber. Crossdressers would totally blend in; the world would be a better place...
Lady Gaga would have to really up her game, though.

Ideas

2010-08-31T12:54:00.003-04:00

Just got a pop-up ad titled "Five tricks to look thinner".
My immediate thought was
"Stand next to a fat person."
Surprisingly, it was not on the list.
TV show idea: Survivor: Hoarders -because sometimes they die and go unnoticed for months.....

Facebook status

2010-04-13T10:50:00.003-04:00

So today's rant is about people who bully their Facebook "friends" into agreeing with and adopting their biased statuses. "I bet 99% of you will be afraid to paste this as your status!". Usually involves religion, politics, or just plain selfishness... The one going around today is something to the effect of "... so if you're sick of sending aid to foreign nations when people are going hungry in THIS country blah blah blah..."
What about all people being equal? What about being all God's children?

Yesterday was Holocaust Rememberance Day. Of the 6 million or so people who perished in the ultimate hate crime, about 1.5 million were children. Cut down too soon without a chance to play and learn and grow and love... What if one of those sweet babies was supposed to grow up and find the cure for AIDS? Or Cancer? Or Autism?
So before you begrudge a few penny's worth of medicine that prevents a child in Haiti from dying of dysentery, ask yourself if you're willing to take that chance again. I'm not.
Everyone, regardless of geography, religion, or race, deserves the right to go to bed in a safe place- with a full belly- after a long day of playing, learning, loving, and growing.

Actual Headline:

2010-03-23T16:14:00.003-04:00

"India Military to produce weaponized Hot Pepper."
Korea plans to retaliate with weaponized Kimchi.
In other news, the third Anti-Christ predicted by Nostradamus has been identified as Nancy Pelosi.
New idea for healthcare being tossed around on Capitol Hill: provide all sick and elderly people with Toyotas.

Hope for Haiti

2010-01-22T21:57:00.002-05:00

Madonna sucked, Beyonce had bad bangs (but wore pants), Justin Timberlake wowed, John Legend was wonderful, Julia Roberts looked pretty lousy sans make-up, but kudos to all for their time and talent. It was very entertaining.
Enough with the snarkiness- let's all dig deeper than ever into our pockets and send as much money as we can to our brothers and sisters who are suffering such loss.
I'm mad that my husband won't let me adopt an orphan from Haiti right now but maybe he'll cave- I'm going to keep nagging.

Things you don't let a kid w/ Autism decide:

2009-12-11T15:36:00.002-05:00

...whether to get the H1N1 vaccine or not. Any school nurse/teacher/aide who fears a physical struggle with my kid should maybe go get a job at the Hallmark Card store or the dry cleaners.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-02T17:57:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year where if it wasn't for the wars and celebrities behaving badly, the sunday paper would be nothing but a bunch of glossy store ads.
This year every retailer has a one day sale (with a preview day). I guess "two day sale" doesn't convey that same sense of urgency. To further shrink the window of opportunity: "Power Hours" and coupons for "Early Birds".
In other words, it's the "Will every person on the planet please report to the mall at the exact same time and engage in a physical battle over the last pair of memory-foam slippers" event. Sounds like too much of an adrenaline rush for me so I'm doing most of my shopping on line.
Here's one of my favorite finds: Bio-degradeable flipflops for the green consumer. They're very cute but I'm a little concerned: what if I wade through one too many puddles and suddenly find myself shoeless? The liquor store doesn't let you in without shoes...
I won't need to get a Snuggie because in a serendipitous flash of brilliance/mild intoxication I put my fleece robe on backwards and Guess What: It's a Snuggie! I know- Genius!
Anyhoodles, happy shopping everyone! Drive safely and remember that NO ONE on your list wants a giant tin of popcorn!

"Florida shooting suspect mentally ill" actual headline

2009-11-07T14:35:00.000-05:00

Ya Think?!!

Landon Andrew

2009-10-09T15:36:00.000-04:00

He's here! Check out Luke Richard's blog to see his baby brother!

Kind of Creepy

2009-09-28T13:48:00.001-04:00

This is weird: I received an email reminder that it's almost time to change the water filter in the fridge. Are my appliances communicating to each other? Do they talk about me behind my back? Does the microwave think I look fat? (Is that why my popcorn always burns?)

Another Great Idea!

2009-09-25T07:06:00.003-04:00

New game show: "Are You Smarter than a Scientologist?" Everyone's a winner!
Core Fitness Alert: I'm on for Saturday Yoga for this week, next week, and possibly a few more- stay tuned for more intel.
Final thought for today: Celebrity Gene Pool- did someone pee in it?!!

OMG! times Infinity!

2009-09-08T16:13:00.002-04:00

The Duggers are having their 19th baby!
Is there a revolving door in her vagina?

Things that make no sense to me:

2009-08-25T19:34:00.002-04:00

Braille at the drive-up ATM
People who say that your fake Christmas tree looks so real, or that your real Christmas tree is so perfect, it looks fake
Commenting that the person in the casket looks really good
Non-smoking sections in a restaurant- doesn't smoke kind of float around?
Thongs, especially since they're supposedly reusable
When my hygienist asks me how my summer's going while she's scraping away at my molars
Calling a small coffee "Tall" and charging $4.00 for it
People who buy it

Pluto

2009-08-24T19:18:00.002-04:00

Apparently size does, in fact, matter.

My Dad and my great-nephew Luke

2009-07-21T09:13:00.002-04:00

I love these guys. That's all.

Back from the bubble

2009-07-05T17:03:00.005-04:00

I know many of you were concerned that I was suffering through 10 days of rain at the beach house but I can assure you that the weather was perfect and now everyone can go back to more important worries such as: "I wonder which celebrity will die this week...." (Can I pick?)
Anyhow, we had ONE day of terrific thunderstorms and nine days of hot sunny bliss. Other than ketchup, no vegetables were consumed. Just burgers, dogs, Del's lemonade, and coconut rum. Ooh- and steak and lobsters one night. BTW, I will be punishing all of my fitness classes this week for my sinful diet.....

Membership Drive

2009-05-27T14:09:00.008-04:00

There are some rather well-dressed gentlemen walking around my neighborhood, looking to convert us to whatever religion they practice. I will ignore the doorbell, as I have PMS. Besides- how good is this group if they have to go out begging for new members?!!
Now I hear there is a rally in Providence this weekend in support of people who hate Jews, gay people, and the military. I would like to go and throw rocks at them, but then I would be as hateful as they are. So now I'm thinking about starting my own group and calling it "The Human Race". All are welcome to join! Are you Gay? Come on in! Are you Jewish, Buddist, or Muslim? Right this way! Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Procrastinater? Plenty of room! Are you fat? We'll make room! Do you hate fat people? You can come in, too, but try not to say anything rude. Vegetarians: come on down! You can set up next to the tailgaitin', red-meat-grillin', cocktail-sippin' Jimmy Buffet fans! They're over next to the A.A. folks. And Mensas? Go hang out with the Special Olympians and put all that smarty-pants-ness to good use.
Cat people, dog people, chess players, shoplifters, atheists, people who go to daily Mass, writers, painters, my former in-laws, zoo-keepers, floor-sweepers, televangelists and telemarketers, pan-handlers, lawyers, firefighters, arsonists, antagonists, protagonists, bigots, process-servers, ice-cream truck drivers, married, single, kids, sailors, black people, white people, bald, hairy, tattoo-ed, pierced, blind, wheelchair-bound, liars (go sit with the deaf folks) and everyone not mentioned above is hereby invited to join our little group. Now stand (or sit) and say (or sign) our pledge: (or just repeat a few key phrases over and over if you have Autism)
I hereby promise to adhere to the laws of the Human Race:
I will share what I have.
I will cheerfully help others.
I will take turns.
I will keep my opinions to myself.

The Golden Years *

2009-05-11T19:13:00.002-04:00

* Because when we reach a certain age, we pee a little when we sneeze....

Season Opener

2009-04-25T16:19:00.003-04:00

Swimming season, that is...
It's an unusually warm day for April so of course Lizzie wanted to put on a bikini and go to the beach. So I caved- as usual- and brought her to the beach. I really thought that after just wading in, Lizzie would find it to be a little too cold for swimming but nope- she went in! Everyone on shore gave her a standing ovation when she got out. We had to go right home and have a nice hot tub with lots of toys and bubbles. So that's 3 sessions of water-play today, if you include her dunking her head in a fountain at the new consignment store this morning...

Core Fitness Alert

2009-04-06T21:09:00.003-04:00

No Spin class this week: Easter Sunday. I will see you all on the 19th.
FYI: April is Autism month. Discovery Health is running some great programming about the fun-filled world of Autism! Enjoy!

The "Joy" of driving thru Providence

2009-04-01T08:16:00.005-04:00

Crawling at a snail's pace along Atwells... GREEN (!) lights as far as the eye can see... Lizzie yelling helpfully from the back seat "Drive the car!"... Finally- a surge forward!
Suddenly, a pedestrian darts in front of my car, yapping away on a cell phone. Luckily, I notice- because of the Coach Signature cell-phone lanyard swinging merrily to and fro. And the large vintage Prada Satchel. And the fact that it's a GUY..................

It might just be the Dextromethorphan talking...

2009-03-25T14:22:00.005-04:00

So I'm getting over the flu. The real flu- not the puking & runs thing; that's actually gastroenteritis, probably caused by the Norovirus. The real flu is a respiratory thing where everything hurts and you cough up stuff that looks like boogers only it comes from down south which is good because these babies would never fit thru your nostrils. Kind of like raw oysters, actually. WHY do people eat that shit- does it make them more sophisticated than people who like Fisherman's platter? And Sushi- let's get some other raw fish and wrap seaweed around it- yum yum!
I know: let's grab that dead skunk off Rt.1 and wrap it in lawn-clippings and see if it catches on! I feel so erudite and smug.
Oops- back to topic. John got me some medicine: he said to drink the orange stuff during the daytime and the green stuff at night. Maybe.
All I really heard was coughcoughcoughhackgagcough "I'll see ya Thursday night." So I grabbed the bottle and took a big swig-shit- wrong bottle- let's try that again. Now I'm feeling dizzy and hearing a buzzing noise in my ears- kind of like the the 70's as a whole. Orange and green are duking it out in my bloodstream. I'm so very tired now. Must stay awake...
Focus!
Here's a thought worth exploring: has Easter ever been "on time"? How did Thanksgiving arrive so late last year- and was that why the turkey was so dry? Does any of this have anything to do with Plate-techtonics?
***GREAT IDEA for a T-Shirt: "My ancestors came from Pangea and all I got was this lousy receding brow bone."
Did Early Man's Mom ever warn him to stop running with that arrowhead before he loses an eye? Did he ever spoil his dinner by eating a (raw) muskrat before the Mastodont was ready?

Does this make sense?

2009-03-20T08:29:00.004-04:00

According to Lizzie we have a new new bathroom. Not to be confused with the old new bathroom. It's the finishing touch on our new "Master Suite" which is a fancy way of saying "it's next to our really big new bedroom and we have to share it".
I have never shared a bathroom with my husband. I like to keep things like nail polish and bras and coffee cups lying around; and Lizzie adds in balloons, straws, and all my good CD's for work. John likes to fill his bathroom with spare change, receipts from Home Depot, tools, cans of paint, and cleaning supplies.
Fast forward to now: this bathroom is a work of art: walls the color of hot chocolate, blue and brown tiles, big jet tub*, big shower stall with French doors (so cool) and one of those automatic shower cleaners because the new Mr. Fastidious wants to "keep it nice". Not one fingertip towel out of place... We even have a double sink with two mirrors because I tend to spit toothpaste all over "my" mirror and thats' just gross. Okay......... but it only has one toilet ......................

*Lizzie likes to put on a bathing suit and go swimming in it.

It just hit me

2009-02-08T18:55:00.001-05:00

Yemen should rhyme with semen, but it doesn't.

Why I am not a good role model

2009-02-03T12:30:00.004-05:00

I love to lie in the sun. I hate red wine. I like gin. I hate sushi. I hate salmon- it's wiggly and pink. Isn't pink meat supposed to be a no-no, anyhow? I do like swordfish but no restaurants with drive-thrus serve it, and that's where I usually eat. I love french fries! If a french fry fell out of a seagull's beak and landed in front of me, I would probably eat it. Same thing with donuts- I love 'em. Especially donut cakes from Allie's- because bigger is better! I like ranch dressing; vinagarette is yucky, especially with that crappy red wine in it. Fat-free frozen yogurt is good but premium ice cream is way tastier. I believe that ketchup is a vegetable and should be respected.
I walk around the house while I brush my teeth, and I tend to drool. Sometimes I use my electric toothbrush to clean my jewelry. (I used my ex-husband's to clean the toilet once...). Sometimes I don't fold the laundry; I just dress out of the basket. Sometimes I dump the laundry out on my bed and fold it (or not fold it) while I watch Law and Order reruns. And sometimes, if John's working that night, I just push the pile of clothes over to his side and sleep next to it. Or under it, if it's a chilly night. Sometimes, instead of vacuuming, I just nudge crumbs under the stove with my slipper. Sometimes I forget that I'm cooking and go take a shower or something and then I smell something good, or something burning...
If John is working, I eat cereal for dinner. I also like pizza for breakfast. If I could figure out how to get dark chocolate to stick to hot, crispy bacon, I would be ecstatic. I have never experienced a runner's high- I hate running. I actually hate most forms of exercise unless I'm teaching the class. When I'm tired, it's time to stop!
I like reading fiction. Non-fiction is boring- especially history and biographies. If you're so f-ing smart, how come you're so f-ing DEAD? Take THAT, Einstein! Give me a good murder mystery with gory forensic details and a decent car chase. I do like Shakespeare and can quote him, but people just get annoyed. Whatever.
Little kids are cute, but they quickly become tiresome and boring. I don't really believe that having a special child is such a "blessing"- sometimes, it sucks. And some kids who have special needs are also horrendous brats whose parents don't discipline properly. However, I usually laugh when Lizzie swears. It's pretty funny. Especially when she says "WTF". I once saw a t-shirt that read "WTFWJD?" I thought it was hilarious. Same thing with the Jesus-fish with legs that says "Darwin". It's funny! I would definately name a pet Darwin. I love dirty jokes. I don't like racist jokes, though.

Irritating as sh#t

2009-01-28T10:52:00.005-05:00

If there's no "I" in team and there's no "U" in team, just who the hell IS on this team?!! And take my name off the roster, please; I have a feeling that I won't like rest of the lineup...
I LOVE the snow- but I hate driving in Providence, where stop signs are for amateurs and using a turn signal means revealing your game plan to the enemy. Campus is never plowed and parking is sudden death w/ no refs in sight. Anonymous co-worker still plants his shiny new BMW in the middle of two spaces... I fear that I may just accidentally sack the side of his car with my plastic Saturn SUV today.... Go Team.

Obligatory Post

2009-01-18T18:57:00.003-05:00

My mother and my friend Mitchell both mentioned today that I have not posted in quite a while. So here goes:
I discovered via Facebook that my daughter is "rethinking her life plan". The life plan that includes 3.5 years of college so far. The same plan for which I filled out the FAFSA forms every year. Because I'm just "better at it". And moved her into college on my first anniversary. And cried my heart out- because we discovered that someone hit her car while we were in the dorm.
The same car that a tree fell on the next year. And that someone broke into- the next year- and stole her stereo out of... And I remember that it was the coldest day of the year and we waited for AAA... And then the Auto Glass Guys...
Not to be confused with the really HOT day when she rear-ended someone. Not her fault- "that lady was so old, she should NOT have been driving". Also not to be confused with the day I got the notice that my license was being suspended for an unpaid parking ticket at the college.....
And after several phone calls to the DMV explaining that the car is registered to me but it really wasn't me; and that she really had intended to pay it as soon as her new checks arrive in the mail.......... Could I please go to traffic tribunal with her? Oh- and bring up her box of checks when they do come in.
Then she sweetens the deal by using me as a case study and an expert- if I could just fill out this quick survey and give "a few really solid quotes" for the paper.
And could I please teach a Pilates class-for free- for her Hall Council friends? On a Monday night? At 10pm? Because we're really busy here at school.
And after years of hearing that I'm not funny, I'm being begged to be a stand-up comic (for free) for the History Club's Night of Comedy- (uh- right?) which no local comedians will agree to work at- for free. AND I had to pay at the door! And then paying the rush fee for a passport for the very-funny-History-Club's trip to southeast Asia. Which was then cancelled due to political unrest and a Tsunami.
And more deliveries: could I just swing by with a witch costume, an end table, some nicer (my) clothes for student teaching, a bike pump, control-top-pantyhose, a griddle**, my wedding gown, some new socks, granola bars, the giant box of Mexican-themed inflatables for Cinco-de-Mayo, canned goods for the food drive, books for the book drive, (all on separate occasions) and two new tires from running over a curb when I specifically TOLD her to wait until morning to go; it's too snowy out to see.
And could I please come get the giant box of Mexican-themed inflatables- it's taking up a lot of room. Thanks, Mummy.

I just feel like some more careful thought should be given to this whole change-of-life-plan thingy- given the amount of effort that "she" has put into a teaching degree thus far.

**Absolutely GENIUS Fund-Raiser Idea: sell grilled-cheese sandwiches at midnight to hungry drunks! That's my girl!

A few more hours of bliss

2009-01-06T16:33:00.002-05:00

Did you ever go away to an island for a vacation? You know that bittersweet feeling you get on the last day because you know it's almost over? That's how I'm feeling today: Lizzie is coming home tonight after a nice long visit with her Dad. I feel a little bit guilty admitting how much I've enjoyed her absence. John mentioned today that he misses her but I'm still not there. It was FABULOUS getting up when I felt like it, going to the gym on my day off and not worrying about a sitter, going out to eat without ordering nuggets and juice, showering alone, completing every task without stopping to tie a balloon (or seven), and listening to whatever music I wanted to.
If that makes me a bad person, I'll live with the guilt. Maybe I'll burn in Hell, but at least I'll know people there. It's been a long 15 years.....

Not just fair-weather plungers

2009-01-01T14:03:00.002-05:00

Well, we did it: We did the New Year's Day Penguin Plunge in spite of the sub-zero wind-chill factor! It's easy to do it and brag about it when it's 50 out with no wind but today, we earned our rights to brag. It was almost unbearably cold but with a little help from our friends, and a few nips of some awful liqueur, we beat the crap out of the cold and did our civic duty to entertain the masses. My very special friend Lou Ann joined us for her very first plunge and made us proud. (Lizzie made a wise choice and took a little nap in the car.) After a nice brunch of donuts and Bud Light on the beach, we headed home to eat more crap and watch Lifetime TV. Happy New Year, Everyone!

E-vite

2008-12-28T12:47:00.002-05:00

Everyone is invited to join us for the Penguin Plunge on New Year's Day: Noon at Mackeral Cove in Jamestown. You'll find us: we're the gang with the giant white tent (with penguin-shaped windows) and we're all wearing Uncle Sam hats. Jello shots, snacks, and extra hats provided. Bring a friend, a snack, a six-pack, - whatever! Lizzie has smartened up and decided not to go in this year. And YES, the water is cold!

Holiday Complaints

2008-12-22T07:21:00.003-05:00

Wow- it's been a while since I've posted! It has been a very busy time with all the shopping and wrapping and lying on the couch watching cheesy holiday movies on Lifetime.
Although I'm still enjoying all the Christmas music and all the snow, I do have a few things I need to vent about: Why is it easier to open a box of ammo than it is to get a doll out of a package? By the time I have finally freed Barbie from her cardboard prison and loosened her wire-tie restraints and un-taped her unusually long ponytail, I could have gone out, purchased a Glock, EASILY opened several boxes of hollow-point, armor-piercing rounds, and visited the Post Office. Not that I would.....
Another thing: who invented stick-on bows? They don't actually stick to anything except each other. And they get squashed in transit. I think a nice wad of duct tape could easily be substituted and would look equally attractive.
I did have another GREAT IDEA though: instead of gift tags (another waste of trees), why not just use an actual gift CARD to announce the lucky gift recipient? Look- here's my name and $25.00 to spend at TJMaxx! Ooh- this one's for you- and $25.00 worth of ammo! Happy Holidays!

My Family in New Hampshire

2008-12-14T15:55:00.005-05:00

Have you seen the news? Most of Mass. and NH received a walloping ice storm and have basically "left the building". There is no power and there might not be for another week at least. Pipes are freezing and bursting, lines and trees are down, and people are cold and hungry. If you have a well, there's no running water. There are no generators left and no fuel to power them as none of the gas stations are open. My Dad just turned 82 last week and today he's throwing out all the food in the fridge that has gone bad. My Mom always has batches of home-baked beans, soup stock, and sauce (made from Dad's garden tomatoes) in the freezer. Maybe it will stay cold enough in the cellar... So they're staying with my one niece who still has power and I'm sure they'll be fine if the wine stays chilled! Tomorrow my husband is bringing up a generator and some fuel so they can go back home to the cat. (!) Her water bowl is probably frozen!
So although you can't do anything for them, I'm asking you to give a little gift to the Red Cross (who provides disaster relief), to your local food bank, or to Toys for Tots. Sometimes it helps to visualize just who you might be helping.

Insanity wins again!

2008-12-11T07:16:00.002-05:00

Lizzie tends to not like massive crowds, noisy places, overstimulating environments, etc. So I decided to "cure" all that at once and brought her to her very first rock concert because I've always wanted to see Trans Siberian Orchestra! It was Loud, there were laser lights and pyrotechnics and screaming fans and it was two and a half hours long! But it was everything that Lizzie loves: Christmas music, Classical music, and intense Rock and Roll! SHE LOVED IT! She was so good! Hurray Liz! Can we go again next year, Santa?

Public Service Announcement

2008-12-09T07:44:00.003-05:00

So I've been doing some Holiday shopping on line (free shipping rocks!) and I noticed that some of my packages arrive with little packets of Silica Gel. These packets are designed to absorb moisture and keep your gifts mildew-free during their journey. How thoughtful! However- they are clearly marked "Caution- do not eat!" So in case you didn't notice the tiny print and were wondering what kind of wine to serve with Silica Gel packets, don't bother- it's not food. This warning also applies to batteries and cat litter.

REALLY Stupid People- and other things I discovered while noodling around on line...

2008-12-04T11:55:00.006-05:00

"Bogus Stem Cell Therapies Sold On Internet"
Really!! Wow- I am so surprised. I'm also nervous that the Artificial Heart I got on Ebay is a knock-off. Maybe someone should compile a list of "Things not to buy online". Here's what I have so far: perishables, undergarments, birth control of any kind, syringes. And, of course, stem cells.
I heard that the pregnant guy (true story) was impregnated by his wife using frozen sperm they bought online. I think I'll add frozen sperm to my list.
I mean, what if it was actually Llama sperm? You just don't know. I do think that "Llama Sperm" would be a great name for a band, though.

Anyhoooo- I just yesterday discovered Hulu- a website where you can watch shows and stuff. I was LMAO while watching "Family Guy" (a Brilliant show!) and that's when I spilled the coffee on the keyboard. Definately using a travel mug from now on.

Silver Lining

2008-12-03T08:50:00.001-05:00

On the one hand, I spilled a cup of coffee on my keyboard. On the other hand, all the pizza crumbs finally got flushed out.

Are you TRYING to piss me off?

2008-12-02T08:24:00.004-05:00

Things I hate: (in no particular order)
typos
mediocrity
one-day sales
passive-aggressiveness
pettiness
parking at JWU
scolding
censorship
okra

Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T19:59:00.003-05:00

Things I'm thankful for: family, friends, cheap wine, the fart walk (thanks, guys)
Highlights from the holiday:
* STILL not being allowed to sit next to my brother Andy at dinner because we're too immature to behave ourselves. (He's 59 & 1/2 and I'm just a little bit past 46)
* Having a little cuddle in the recliner with my littlest niece (age 28)
* Garnishing the family with whipped cream
(Food + Propellants = FUN!)
* Becca and Andrea's annual Pie-Eating Smackdown
(pie + more pie = coma)
* Mom & Dad's "Best Arguing Ever"
(Dad + Bourbon = FUN!)
* Having the last piece of cocoa cheesecake
Thanks, Deb!
* Lizzie "holding it together" for the whole day!!!
Go Lizzie!

Holiday (c)rap

2008-11-26T14:33:00.003-05:00

Lizzie is singing "Police Navidad"... Seriously- WHAT is with her and the cops?!!
I love Holiday music- most of it, anyhow. There are some stupid songs out there (Grandma got run over by a reindeer), annoying songs (Dominic the Donkey), and funny songs (Santa Claus and his Old Lady by Cheech and Chong). But the WORST-EVER SONG- ever- is The Christmas Shoes. That song just blows. It's not just a sad song, it's a song that leaves me feeling bereft of joy. And Homicidal.... I'm going to try and write a worse song for you. Here goes:

It was December twenty-fourth
when Santa knocked on my door
He said " I hate to tell ya, Homey
but yo Mamma's a whore."

Nope- even after only one verse, I can tell that it will be WAY BETTER than The Christmas Shoes.
Plus- that song doesn't make sense. If someone I loved was dying, I would bring Chocolate or wine or some medicinal herbs to help ease the pain. Maybe I would get shoes for ME- new shoes always brighten up my day! Ooh- and a new purse!

Lizzie's Great Idea

2008-11-25T11:40:00.001-05:00

It runs in the family, I guess...
Lizzie thought it would be a Great Idea to jump up and sing Bob Marley's "Get Up, Stand Up" during yoga last night.

Gift Rant

2008-11-24T14:26:00.003-05:00

You know, just because something FITS into a Christmas stocking doesn't mean it belongs there.
Case in point: Yeast Guard. Swing- and a miss... Needless to say, that relationship was over shortly after the New Year. So here's a handy list for the guys:
Gold Jewelry
Diamond Jewelry
Large Bills
GOOD Chocolate
Gift Cards- but not to stores that look shaky on the S&P index
Tiny accessories from Coach

Here's what to steer clear of:
Preparation H.
Breath Mints
Acne cream- really- let's just say "ointment of any kind", okay?
Crappy chocolate from the dollar store
Condoms- Just be a MAN and get a vasectomy

The Talented Ms. Hartford

2008-11-24T07:20:00.003-05:00

Lizzie is an incredible mimic. She does impersonations, foreign accents, animals, power tools, the bread machine, etc. Her Nigerian accent is dead-on; just ask my neighbor! So the other night I heard my voice coming out of the bathroom: "That is too much bubbles!" So of course I went in to find out what "I" was up to. Lizzie had poured an entire bottle of shampoo into her bath. I tried to get mad but I was laughing too hard. Plus- every time I opened my mouth she went under water and held her breath. Damn swim lessons! So I caved- as usual- and let her stay in the tub for "a whole day" (an hour). No sense in wasting perfectly good bubbles.

It's that time of year...

2008-11-21T07:18:00.002-05:00

So my mailbox- and my mail carrier- are groaning under the weight of all those holiday catalogs. There's the usual Everything-in-our-store-is-either-made-of-flannel-or-fleece-and-can-be-monogrammed-so-when-you-wake-up-in-an-unfamiliar-alley-reeking-of-gin-you'll-at-least-know-your-initials book. There's the one featuring a wide assortment of foods assembled into towers. (I love reading that one when I have PMS!) An entire forest dies every year for TOYS!TOYS!TOYS! Every kid in America is salivating over that one (except for Lizzie, who is only interested in balloons). Last year, she sat on Santa's lap and told him he should go to the Dollar Store for the balloons. That's my thrifty girl! (One year she asked the mall Santa to bring her broccoli- that was a little awkward...)
Anyhoodles, a new book arrived this year full of new-age-y things like incense and candles- and a stainless steel tongue scraper. I WISH I was making that last one up. Unfortunately for that guy from KISS, it only comes in one size but it also was only a buck so whaddaya expect.... Anyhoohoo, Dear whoever-drew-my-name-for-the-family-gift-exchange: I don't want the tongue scraper for Christmas. In fact, if it has the word "novelty" in the title, save your money: I don't want it. I don't need $90.00 slippers, even if they are "wicked good". I don't want a cable-knit hooded sweater for my pet. FYI- every pet I've ever had has come complete with a nice warm FUR coat.
OMG! Nicki- is THAT why our cats have been puking lately?! Have they become bulemic after seeing the totally-warm-yet-slimming microfiber pet parkas?! Dear Zoey- I know you can read. Quit clawing the back of the couch, asshole. And clean up your own puke.
Back to topic. Please don't beg me to try "just a tiny little slice" of the pecan pie. I won't love it. Pecan pie is like a hubcap full of sugar. I'd rather save all my calories for an extra serving of Mom's stuffing. It's SO good! Just don't tell me what's in it.
At the risk of retitling this post "How to ruin the Holidays", I'd like to mention just one more suggestion. This year, let's not have that same conversation that starts out with "OMG! Remember the time you..." and ends with "... and then you lost the weight/ broke up with that jerk/ got sober/ remembered the rolls in the oven/ etc." Because everything in the middle is bound to make someone feel lousy.

Shout-outs

2008-11-18T09:06:00.006-05:00

To Manda, who is going to help me pimp out my page, something-something-something, enabling my blog to generate revenue. And she signed her comment! Unlike Lt. "Big Jeff " Noble, who left a comment and chose to remain anonymous. Oops- my bad.

To Ellen "If-only-I-could-somehow-bedazzle-my-own-shroud M., for basically just putting up with me and also for having a crazier kid than mine. Thanks, sweetie. Tell me again how much you hate our school department.

To Mari's Mom, who told me I was funny, and I'm pretty sure she meant amusingly funny, not Dude- what's wrong with your brother funny, not spoiled food- does this taste funny funny... (said the cannibal eating the clown)

And finally to my Mom, who still calls it my Blob. Mom- it's a BLOG. A BLOB is a gelatinous movie villain. Sheesh....

Another Great Idea

2008-11-17T11:09:00.000-05:00

.....Chocolate-covered Antidepressants.

Follow-ups

2008-11-16T11:10:00.000-05:00

Today I'll reply to the questions people have been asking me about some of my previous posts.
Why "Robicslady"?
Well, that's what my husband used to call me when we first met. Actually, he used to sing to me: Green-eyed lady, Robicslady, etc. You know that song. It was love at first sight for me: when he found out that I had a child w/ Autism, he did his really awesome impersonation of Rain Man for me. Followed by PeeWee Herman and Forrest Gump. Sometimes he leaves me phone messages in all his different voices- last week I hit the play button and it was him doing the sound of our cat fighting w/ the neighbor's cat. He's really quite talented- it's like being married to a parrot who can open jars. Don't worry- he never reads my blog because-quote- "I live with the blog".
Many of you are wondering what happened to my older daughter- did she in fact have appendicitis? Was she not answering her phone because she was in the emergency room or in surgery or post-op? Nope. She was still at the Y Camp with her special-needs campers, having a great time.
When I finally got a hold of her ("Hi Mummy- what's up"?) she said she was "walking up a really big hill and got a wicked cramp". When I finally regained the ability to speak rationally, I suggested she join a gym.

Shout-out to my Dad

2008-11-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Dad- (favorite expression: "Close the damn door")
I just wanted to mention that the space shuttle launched successfully yesterday with the door ajar...

Spread the madness!

2008-11-14T14:33:00.000-05:00

Dear friends, family, fellow bloggers, and innocent bystanders: if you enjoy reading my posts, please feel free to forward the link www.robicslady.blogpot.com to as many people as you wish. I'm attempting to become an Internet Sensation and I just don't have the boobs for porn. Thanks!

If Dogs had Blogs

2008-11-14T07:23:00.001-05:00

Another great weekend! Went to the park w/ my "owner" and tossed the frisbee around for a while. I like to make sure he gets enough exercise as he's getting a little paunchy. I chewed up the tv remote last week- just to be helpful. I know- Genius! Anyhow, ran into Scuzzy from the pound (he goes by Barkley now) and he was with his new "owner". Really weird kid: flapping his arms and twirling around and making these Dog-awful dinosaur noises. Scuz says he's a service dog now. Tough gig, man. He seemed to be diggin' the kid though. We gave each other a quick butt-sniff and then he had to get back to work.
Found a really sweet dead squirrel carcass and rolled around in it for a while- pure bliss! "Owner" got mad and made me have a bath when we got home. That's okay 'cuz I whizzed a little in the water so I still smell good.
After a good long nap on the sofa, I clawed furiously under the cushions for no particular reason and found an old steak bone that I hid there last week. Score! Licked that for a while, then gave the old balls a little licky-loo, 'cuz I can.
Next day, went across the street to visit Spunky. Had a great time butt-sniffing and digging holes in the flower bed. Took a walk, whizzed on all 78 favorite rocks, and home for another nap. Woke up to discover that the stupid cat brought in yet another dead mouse; what a chump. I said "Dude- keep it outside and roll in it- you don't know what you're missin', man". I gotta seriously work on that dumb cat.

RE: yesterday's post

2008-11-13T13:11:00.000-05:00

My great-nephew Luke pointed out that maybe everyone is trying to get that new VW vehicle by popping out babies. (REALLY stupid and offensive ad campain) He is so clever- he even has his own blog! And not even 5 months old yet. Go Luke!

I'm so F***ing sick of Celebrities

2008-11-12T15:32:00.000-05:00

Oh those trend-setting famous people in Hollywood: they raised the bar on us again. Remember when THE celebrity accessory was the Louis Vuitton bag- you know, the one that looked like it was decorated by a toddler with a box of florescent markers? Pretty soon, everyone had to have one and then all the other big bag designers started copying it (remember the D & B with the multicolored zipper that looked like creepy little Chiclets?) and then all the knock-offs started appearing- I think even Kmart had a version- and pretty soon even women on WIC had one.

Then the celebrities turned to the NEW fashion add-on: the teeny tiny dog. Pretty soon the people at LV started furiously churning out really BIG bags to hold all those tiny dogs- I think a gal named Paris had 6 gerbil-sized pups which, BTW, she could tote around in her old shoes, as she apparently wears a size 11. But I digress. The bags got bigger and the dogs got smaller until their own fleas could seriously kick their asses. But THEN-

Someone in Hollywood adopted a little brownish boy and pretty soon every OTHER desperate B-lister had to have one. They all bought Juicy Couture bibs and started frequenting parks instead of nightclubs. Well, except for Britney... But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

THEN- someone got pregnant. I forget who- maybe Jennifer Garner? and pretty soon EVERYONE just HAD to get a "Baby Bump" to coordinate with the multicolored kids and the LV diaper bags. Even Tom and Katie got on board- Literally- I hear they jaunted back to the Mothership so "Tom" could impregnate her with a turkey baster. Even a different (jilted) Jen had to try. **Major digression here: WHY can't this chick find and keep a boyfriend? She's famous and rail-thin and HOT and yet...nada. Even I managed to snag a Great guy and I'm not any of those things; I'm more like infamous, squishy, and best viewed in low lighting. Back to topic:
All the famous celebs go to each other's baby showers and push Lamborghini strollers together and it's all quite beautiful. But someone always has to get competetive- let's get MORE kids in all different colors and then immediately get pregnant AGAIN! Ha! Somehow, magically, everyone on the west coast finds out and delivers twins simultaneously.......
What to do? Get pregnant AGAIN! Ha! We Win!
Seriously, I almost hope her uterus falls out.
People: babies are not Webkins! You can't just collect the most and win- or try to trade out the duplicates! You have to feed these things and watch them and not let them eat cat food or razor blades. You can't stuff them in a really big purse and go clubbing with Lindsay!
You have to continuously like them- even if they have special needs or become teenagers or learn to drive, or text-message you stupid shit like "where is my appendix" and "OMG- where R U- what if I have appendicitis" and then not answer my calls for 4 HOURS. Yup- gotta keep loving them.
Please breed responsibly.

See, This is why we're screwed

2008-11-08T17:04:00.000-05:00

Two actual headlines from Yahoo News:

"China closes herbal drug firm linked to deaths"

"Traditional Medicine passes W.H.O. health checks"

We better alert the Department of Oxymorons.... (such a great word)

High-Velocity Smoothie Spatter

2008-11-08T11:39:00.000-05:00

I guess I do watch a lot of CSI reruns....Anyhoo, the base of my Magic Bullet seems to have sprung a leak, which is tragic because I love to put all of my favorite breakfast foods* such as coffee, yogurt, fruit, skim milk, and ice together and blend it up and drink on the fly while I run around multi-tasking in the morning: packing my gym bag; reminding Lizzie to brush ALL her teeth, not just the ones that show; swerving to avoid the two boys down the street whose parents allow them to play hockey in the middle of the road before school (I swear one of these mornings I'm going to flatten them AND their perky little Child At Play signs).
Ooh- I just had another Great Idea: booze in sport bottles for on-the-go refreshment. I know- Genius!
But my original point is this: people are always asking me how I manage a busy life and a nutty kid and a clean home and my answer is multitasking! shortcuts! dim lighting!
Here's one of my favorite tips: just spritz a little Windex on the light bulbs and your home will smell like you've been cleaning all day! Then turn the lights off and your house will LOOK clean, too! (also prevents small fires)
I'll try to post a new time-saving tip every week.
Well, Lizzie is with her Dad today so I have lots of time to get some actual cleaning done and maybe even go completely crazy and do a whole crossword puzzle!

*some breakfast foods are best left out of smoothies: biscuits and gravy, home fries, leftover pizza....
Drink Responsibly!

Too weird for bowling

2008-11-06T19:42:00.000-05:00

Lizzie and her peers with special needs get together on Monday nights for various recreational skills- this week was bowling. So Lizzie rolls the ball and knocks all the pins down and yells "Hurray- I won! Want to go home?" Followed by Dinosaur noises.
You know your kid is strange when even all the other special kids are looking at her funny... Not to mention the regulars (?) who bowl........
I'm glad we booked the bowling alley that's fah (a half-hour drive for Rhode Islanders) - it's the one with a bar.

Is it hot in here or is it just me (nopause)?

2008-11-06T08:49:00.001-05:00

I just had the greatest idea: Allergy meds prepackaged with bladder control pads! Wow, huh? If I think of any other great ideas, I'll let ya'all know!

To all my friends: please don't steal my great ideas as I am currently working on accumulating a vast fortune because Psychotherapy is wicked expensive. Thanks.

Stupid people in the news

2008-11-05T15:08:00.000-05:00

Having sued my school system twice, I like to keep my ear to the ground for similar cases. But here's what I found instead:
A woman is suing her daughter's school system because no one there can pronounce the daughter's name correctly. It's Le-a. Yeah- that's how I thought it should be pronounced, too. Nope....

It's "Le-DASH- a", because: "The dash ain't silent".

And I thought I had a difficult life.

2008-11-03T13:44:00.000-05:00

So we're in line at the Post Office and the woman in front of me informs me that she has a daughter with Autism, too. And I'm like, Yay- another member of the club! Then I'm thinking- gee, what gave it away? Because I thought we were doing a pretty good job of blending in. Then again, no one else was wearing a Halloween costume. Because it's not Halloween. And hardly anyone else was making dinosaur noises... I guess we do bring it on ourselves.

Completely unrelated- I didn't realize until Downward Dog that my yoga top looks and fits like something I could wear to my next mammogram. John says this is precisely why men go to Yoga.

And that's when the cops showed up.

2008-11-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

Hello! Welcome all to my new blog! Or, as my Mom will call it, "Rae's Blob". Anyhow, my blog will be multipurpose: to let me vent in the safety and privacy of my own living room (always a better choice than at the Post Office, armed), to let my friends at Core Fitness know who's teaching what every weekend, and to hopefully dispel a few myths about Autism, such as:
1) Lizzie will someday "outgrow" it
2) Lizzie is actually a genius, just like Rain Man
3) God never gives us more than we can handle (a good point to debate at another time)

Anyhow, several days ago, Lizzie had a major public meltdown involving screaming, hitting herself in the head, and kicking us. We were in a large empty parking lot next door to KFC. The whole crew was hanging out the drive-up window watching us try to calm/restrain/deflect blows from Lizzie. I mentioned that they would probably call the police if we didn't pull it together soon. Sure enough, the cops showed up at our house almost two hours later. (!) Lizzie was chilling out in her room listening to Techno on her Hello Kitty boom box, surrounded by balloons and gift wrap, as it was her birthday. Long story short, no reports were made and everyone agreed that wow- THAT was awkward.......... Just another birthday party to remember..............