Why I am not a good role model

I love to lie in the sun. I hate red wine. I like gin. I hate sushi. I hate salmon- it's wiggly and pink. Isn't pink meat supposed to be a no-no, anyhow? I do like swordfish but no restaurants with drive-thrus serve it, and that's where I usually eat. I love french fries! If a french fry fell out of a seagull's beak and landed in front of me, I would probably eat it. Same thing with donuts- I love 'em. Especially donut cakes from Allie's- because bigger is better! I like ranch dressing; vinagarette is yucky, especially with that crappy red wine in it. Fat-free frozen yogurt is good but premium ice cream is way tastier. I believe that ketchup is a vegetable and should be respected.
I walk around the house while I brush my teeth, and I tend to drool. Sometimes I use my electric toothbrush to clean my jewelry. (I used my ex-husband's to clean the toilet once...). Sometimes I don't fold the laundry; I just dress out of the basket. Sometimes I dump the laundry out on my bed and fold it (or not fold it) while I watch Law and Order reruns. And sometimes, if John's working that night, I just push the pile of clothes over to his side and sleep next to it. Or under it, if it's a chilly night. Sometimes, instead of vacuuming, I just nudge crumbs under the stove with my slipper. Sometimes I forget that I'm cooking and go take a shower or something and then I smell something good, or something burning...
If John is working, I eat cereal for dinner. I also like pizza for breakfast. If I could figure out how to get dark chocolate to stick to hot, crispy bacon, I would be ecstatic. I have never experienced a runner's high- I hate running. I actually hate most forms of exercise unless I'm teaching the class. When I'm tired, it's time to stop!
I like reading fiction. Non-fiction is boring- especially history and biographies. If you're so f-ing smart, how come you're so f-ing DEAD? Take THAT, Einstein! Give me a good murder mystery with gory forensic details and a decent car chase. I do like Shakespeare and can quote him, but people just get annoyed. Whatever.
Little kids are cute, but they quickly become tiresome and boring. I don't really believe that having a special child is such a "blessing"- sometimes, it sucks. And some kids who have special needs are also horrendous brats whose parents don't discipline properly. However, I usually laugh when Lizzie swears. It's pretty funny. Especially when she says "WTF". I once saw a t-shirt that read "WTFWJD?" I thought it was hilarious. Same thing with the Jesus-fish with legs that says "Darwin". It's funny! I would definately name a pet Darwin. I love dirty jokes. I don't like racist jokes, though.