Things you don't let a kid w/ Autism decide:

...whether to get the H1N1 vaccine or not. Any school nurse/teacher/aide who fears a physical struggle with my kid should maybe go get a job at the Hallmark Card store or the dry cleaners.

Christmas 2009

It's that time of year where if it wasn't for the wars and celebrities behaving badly, the sunday paper would be nothing but a bunch of glossy store ads.
This year every retailer has a one day sale (with a preview day). I guess "two day sale" doesn't convey that same sense of urgency. To further shrink the window of opportunity: "Power Hours" and coupons for "Early Birds".
In other words, it's the "Will every person on the planet please report to the mall at the exact same time and engage in a physical battle over the last pair of memory-foam slippers" event. Sounds like too much of an adrenaline rush for me so I'm doing most of my shopping on line.
Here's one of my favorite finds: Bio-degradeable flipflops for the green consumer. They're very cute but I'm a little concerned: what if I wade through one too many puddles and suddenly find myself shoeless? The liquor store doesn't let you in without shoes...
I won't need to get a Snuggie because in a serendipitous flash of brilliance/mild intoxication I put my fleece robe on backwards and Guess What: It's a Snuggie! I know- Genius!
Anyhoodles, happy shopping everyone! Drive safely and remember that NO ONE on your list wants a giant tin of popcorn!

"Florida shooting suspect mentally ill" actual headline

Ya Think?!!

Landon Andrew

He's here! Check out Luke Richard's blog to see his baby brother!

Kind of Creepy

This is weird: I received an email reminder that it's almost time to change the water filter in the fridge. Are my appliances communicating to each other? Do they talk about me behind my back? Does the microwave think I look fat? (Is that why my popcorn always burns?)

Another Great Idea!

New game show: "Are You Smarter than a Scientologist?" Everyone's a winner!
Core Fitness Alert: I'm on for Saturday Yoga for this week, next week, and possibly a few more- stay tuned for more intel.
Final thought for today: Celebrity Gene Pool- did someone pee in it?!!

OMG! times Infinity!

The Duggers are having their 19th baby!
Is there a revolving door in her vagina?

Things that make no sense to me:

Braille at the drive-up ATM

People who say that your fake Christmas tree looks so real, or that your real Christmas tree is so perfect, it looks fake

Commenting that the person in the casket looks really good

Non-smoking sections in restaurants- doesn't smoke kind of float around?

Thongs, especially since they're supposedly reusable

When my hygienist asks me how my summer's going while she's scraping away at my molars

Calling a small coffee "Tall" and charging $6.00 for it

People who buy it

Pluto

Apparently size does, in fact, matter.

My Dad and my great-nephew Luke

I love these guys. That's all.

Back from the bubble

I know many of you were concerned that I was suffering through 10 days of rain at the beach house but I can assure you that the weather was perfect and now everyone can go back to more important worries such as: "I wonder which celebrity will die this week...." (Can I pick?)
Anyhow, we had ONE day of terrific thunderstorms and nine days of hot sunny bliss. Other than ketchup, no vegetables were consumed. Just burgers, dogs, Del's lemonade, and coconut rum. Ooh- and steak and lobsters one night. BTW, I will be punishing all of my fitness classes this week for my sinful diet.....

Membership Drive

There are some rather well-dressed gentlemen walking around my neighborhood, looking to convert us to whatever religion they practice. I will ignore the doorbell, as I have PMS. Besides- how good is this group if they have to go out begging for new members?!!
Now I hear there is a rally in Providence this weekend in support of people who hate Jews, gay people, and the military. I would like to go and throw rocks at them, but then I would be as hateful as they are. So now I'm thinking about starting my own group and calling it "The Human Race". All are welcome to join! Are you Gay? Come on in! Are you Jewish, Buddist, or Muslim? Right this way! Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Procrastinater? Plenty of room! Are you fat? We'll make room! Do you hate fat people? You can come in, too, but try not to say anything rude. Vegetarians: come on down! You can set up next to the tailgaitin', red-meat-grillin', cocktail-sippin' Jimmy Buffet fans! They're over next to the A.A. folks. And Mensas? Go hang out with the Special Olympians and put all that smarty-pants-ness to good use.
Cat people, dog people, chess players, shoplifters, atheists, people who go to daily Mass, writers, painters, my former in-laws, zoo-keepers, floor-sweepers, televangelists and telemarketers, pan-handlers, lawyers, firefighters, arsonists, antagonists, protagonists, bigots, process-servers, ice-cream truck drivers, married, single, kids, sailors, black people, white people, bald, hairy, tattoo-ed, pierced, blind, wheelchair-bound, liars (go sit with the deaf folks) and everyone not mentioned above is hereby invited to join our little group. Now stand (or sit) and say (or sign) our pledge: (or just repeat a few key phrases over and over if you have Autism)
I hereby promise to adhere to the laws of the Human Race:
I will share what I have.
I will cheerfully help others.
I will take turns.
I will keep my opinions to myself.

The Golden Years *

* Because when we reach a certain age, we pee a little when we sneeze....

Season Opener

Swimming season, that is...
It's an unusually warm day for April so of course Lizzie wanted to put on a bikini and go to the beach. So I caved- as usual- and brought her to the beach. I really thought that after just wading in, Lizzie would find it to be a little too cold for swimming but nope- she went in! Everyone on shore gave her a standing ovation when she got out. We had to go right home and have a nice hot tub with lots of toys and bubbles. So that's 3 sessions of water-play today, if you include her dunking her head in a fountain at the new consignment store this morning...

Core Fitness Alert

No Spin class this week: Easter Sunday. I will see you all on the 19th.
FYI: April is Autism month. Discovery Health is running some great programming about the fun-filled world of Autism! Enjoy!

The "Joy" of driving thru Providence

Crawling at a snail's pace along Atwells... GREEN (!) lights as far as the eye can see... Lizzie yelling helpfully from the back seat "Drive the car!"... Finally- a surge forward!
Suddenly, a pedestrian darts in front of my car, yapping away on a cell phone. Luckily, I notice- because of the Coach Signature cell-phone lanyard swinging merrily to and fro. And the large vintage Prada Satchel. And the fact that it's a GUY..................

It might just be the Dextromethorphan talking...

So I'm getting over the flu. The real flu- not the puking & runs thing; that's actually gastroenteritis, probably caused by the Norovirus. The real flu is a respiratory thing where everything hurts and you cough up stuff that looks like boogers only it comes from down south which is good because these babies would never fit thru your nostrils. Kind of like raw oysters, actually. WHY do people eat that shit- does it make them more sophisticated than people who like Fisherman's platter? And Sushi- let's get some other raw fish and wrap seaweed around it- yum yum!
I know: let's grab that dead skunk off Rt.1 and wrap it in lawn-clippings and see if it catches on! I feel so erudite and smug.
Oops- back to topic. John got me some medicine: he said to drink the orange stuff during the daytime and the green stuff at night. Maybe.
All I really heard was coughcoughcoughhackgagcough "I'll see ya Thursday night." So I grabbed the bottle and took a big swig-shit- wrong bottle- let's try that again. Now I'm feeling dizzy and hearing a buzzing noise in my ears- kind of like the the 70's as a whole. Orange and green are duking it out in my bloodstream. I'm so very tired now. Must stay awake...
Focus!
Here's a thought worth exploring: has Easter ever been "on time"? How did Thanksgiving arrive so late last year- and was that why the turkey was so dry? Does any of this have anything to do with Plate-techtonics?
***GREAT IDEA for a T-Shirt: "My ancestors came from Pangea and all I got was this lousy receding brow bone."
Did Early Man's Mom ever warn him to stop running with that arrowhead before he loses an eye? Did he ever spoil his dinner by eating a (raw) muskrat before the Mastodont was ready?

Does this make sense?

According to Lizzie we have a new new bathroom. Not to be confused with the old new bathroom. It's the finishing touch on our new "Master Suite" which is a fancy way of saying "it's next to our really big new bedroom and we have to share it".
I have never shared a bathroom with my husband. I like to keep things like nail polish and bras and coffee cups lying around; and Lizzie adds in balloons, straws, and all my good CD's for work. John likes to fill his bathroom with spare change, receipts from Home Depot, tools, cans of paint, and cleaning supplies.
Fast forward to now: this bathroom is a work of art: walls the color of hot chocolate, blue and brown tiles, big jet tub*, big shower stall with French doors (so cool) and one of those automatic shower cleaners because the new Mr. Fastidious wants to "keep it nice". Not one fingertip towel out of place... We even have a double sink with two mirrors because I tend to spit toothpaste all over "my" mirror and thats' just gross. Okay......... but it only has one toilet ......................


*Lizzie likes to put on a bathing suit and go swimming in it.

It just hit me

Yemen should rhyme with semen, but it doesn't.

Why I am not a good role model

I love to lie in the sun. I hate red wine. I like gin. I hate sushi. I hate salmon- it's wiggly and pink. Isn't pink meat supposed to be a no-no, anyhow? I do like swordfish but no restaurants with drive-thrus serve it, and that's where I usually eat. I love french fries! If a french fry fell out of a seagull's beak and landed in front of me, I would probably eat it. Same thing with donuts- I love 'em. Especially donut cakes from Allie's- because bigger is better! I like ranch dressing; vinagarette is yucky, especially with that crappy red wine in it. Fat-free frozen yogurt is good but premium ice cream is way tastier. I believe that ketchup is a vegetable and should be respected.
I walk around the house while I brush my teeth, and I tend to drool. Sometimes I use my electric toothbrush to clean my jewelry. (I used my ex-husband's to clean the toilet once...). Sometimes I don't fold the laundry; I just dress out of the basket. Sometimes I dump the laundry out on my bed and fold it (or not fold it) while I watch Law and Order reruns. And sometimes, if John's working that night, I just push the pile of clothes over to his side and sleep next to it. Or under it, if it's a chilly night. Sometimes, instead of vacuuming, I just nudge crumbs under the stove with my slipper. Sometimes I forget that I'm cooking and go take a shower or something and then I smell something good, or something burning...
If John is working, I eat cereal for dinner. I also like pizza for breakfast. If I could figure out how to get dark chocolate to stick to hot, crispy bacon, I would be ecstatic. I have never experienced a runner's high- I hate running. I actually hate most forms of exercise unless I'm teaching the class. When I'm tired, it's time to stop!
I like reading fiction. Non-fiction is boring- especially history and biographies. If you're so f-ing smart, how come you're so f-ing DEAD? Take THAT, Einstein! Give me a good murder mystery with gory forensic details and a decent car chase. I do like Shakespeare and can quote him, but people just get annoyed. Whatever.
Little kids are cute, but they quickly become tiresome and boring. I don't really believe that having a special child is such a "blessing"- sometimes, it sucks. And some kids who have special needs are also horrendous brats whose parents don't discipline properly. However, I usually laugh when Lizzie swears. It's pretty funny. Especially when she says "WTF". I once saw a t-shirt that read "WTFWJD?" I thought it was hilarious. Same thing with the Jesus-fish with legs that says "Darwin". It's funny! I would definately name a pet Darwin. I love dirty jokes. I don't like racist jokes, though.

Irritating as sh#t

If there's no "I" in team and there's no "U" in team, just who the hell IS on this team?!! And take my name off the roster, please; I have a feeling that I won't like rest of the lineup...
I LOVE the snow- but I hate driving in Providence, where stop signs are for amateurs and using a turn signal means revealing your game plan to the enemy. Campus is never plowed and parking is sudden death w/ no refs in sight. Anonymous co-worker still plants his shiny new BMW in the middle of two spaces... I fear that I may just accidentally sack the side of his car with my plastic Saturn SUV today.... Go Team.

Obligatory Post

My mother and my friend Mitchell both mentioned today that I have not posted in quite a while. So here goes:
I discovered via Facebook that my daughter is "rethinking her life plan". The life plan that includes 3.5 years of college so far. The same plan for which I filled out the FAFSA forms every year. Because I'm just "better at it". And moved her into college on my first anniversary. And cried my heart out- because we discovered that someone hit her car while we were in the dorm.
The same car that a tree fell on the next year. And that someone broke into- the next year- and stole her stereo out of... And I remember that it was the coldest day of the year and we waited for AAA... And then the Auto Glass Guys...
Not to be confused with the really HOT day when she rear-ended someone. Not her fault- "that lady was so old, she should NOT have been driving". Also not to be confused with the day I got the notice that my license was being suspended for an unpaid parking ticket at the college.....
And after several phone calls to the DMV explaining that the car is registered to me but it really wasn't me; and that she really had intended to pay it as soon as her new checks arrive in the mail.......... Could I please go to traffic tribunal with her? Oh- and bring up her box of checks when they do come in.
Then she sweetens the deal by using me as a case study and an expert- if I could just fill out this quick survey and give "a few really solid quotes" for the paper.
And could I please teach a Pilates class-for free- for her Hall Council friends? On a Monday night? At 10pm? Because we're really busy here at school.
And after years of hearing that I'm not funny, I'm being begged to be a stand-up comic (for free) for the History Club's Night of Comedy- (uh- right?) which no local comedians will agree to work at- for free. AND I had to pay at the door! And then paying the rush fee for a passport for the very-funny-History-Club's trip to southeast Asia. Which was then cancelled due to political unrest and a Tsunami.
And more deliveries: could I just swing by with a witch costume, an end table, some nicer (my) clothes for student teaching, a bike pump, control-top-pantyhose, a griddle**, my wedding gown, some new socks, granola bars, the giant box of Mexican-themed inflatables for Cinco-de-Mayo, canned goods for the food drive, books for the book drive, (all on separate occasions) and two new tires from running over a curb when I specifically TOLD her to wait until morning to go; it's too snowy out to see.
And could I please come get the giant box of Mexican-themed inflatables- it's taking up a lot of room. Thanks, Mummy.

I just feel like some more careful thought should be given to this whole change-of-life-plan thingy- given the amount of effort that "she" has put into a teaching degree thus far.

**Absolutely GENIUS Fund-Raiser Idea: sell grilled-cheese sandwiches at midnight to hungry drunks! That's my girl!

A few more hours of bliss

Did you ever go away to an island for a vacation? You know that bittersweet feeling you get on the last day because you know it's almost over? That's how I'm feeling today: Lizzie is coming home tonight after a nice long visit with her Dad. I feel a little bit guilty admitting how much I've enjoyed her absence. John mentioned today that he misses her but I'm still not there. It was FABULOUS getting up when I felt like it, going to the gym on my day off and not worrying about a sitter, going out to eat without ordering nuggets and juice, showering alone, completing every task without stopping to tie a balloon (or seven), and listening to whatever music I wanted to.
If that makes me a bad person, I'll live with the guilt. Maybe I'll burn in Hell, but at least I'll know people there. It's been a long 15 years.....

Not just fair-weather plungers

Well, we did it: We did the New Year's Day Penguin Plunge in spite of the sub-zero wind-chill factor! It's easy to do it and brag about it when it's 50 out with no wind but today, we earned our rights to brag. It was almost unbearably cold but with a little help from our friends, and a few nips of some awful liqueur, we beat the crap out of the cold and did our civic duty to entertain the masses. My very special friend Lou Ann joined us for her very first plunge and made us proud. (Lizzie made a wise choice and took a little nap in the car.) After a nice brunch of donuts and Bud Light on the beach, we headed home to eat more crap and watch Lifetime TV. Happy New Year, Everyone!