There are some rather well-dressed gentlemen walking around my neighborhood, looking to convert us to whatever religion they practice. I will ignore the doorbell, as I have PMS. Besides- how good is this group if they have to go out begging for new members?!!
Now I hear there is a rally in Providence this weekend in support of people who hate Jews, gay people, and the military. I would like to go and throw rocks at them, but then I would be as hateful as they are. So now I'm thinking about starting my own group and calling it "The Human Race". All are welcome to join! Are you Gay? Come on in! Are you Jewish, Buddist, or Muslim? Right this way! Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Procrastinater? Plenty of room! Are you fat? We'll make room! Do you hate fat people? You can come in, too, but try not to say anything rude. Vegetarians: come on down! You can set up next to the tailgaitin', red-meat-grillin', cocktail-sippin' Jimmy Buffet fans! They're over next to the A.A. folks. And Mensas? Go hang out with the Special Olympians and put all that smarty-pants-ness to good use.
Cat people, dog people, chess players, shoplifters, atheists, people who go to daily Mass, writers, painters, my former in-laws, zoo-keepers, floor-sweepers, televangelists and telemarketers, pan-handlers, lawyers, firefighters, arsonists, antagonists, protagonists, bigots, process-servers, ice-cream truck drivers, married, single, kids, sailors, black people, white people, bald, hairy, tattoo-ed, pierced, blind, wheelchair-bound, liars (go sit with the deaf folks) and everyone not mentioned above is hereby invited to join our little group. Now stand (or sit) and say (or sign) our pledge: (or just repeat a few key phrases over and over if you have Autism)
I hereby promise to adhere to the laws of the Human Race:
I will share what I have.
I will cheerfully help others.
I will take turns.
I will keep my opinions to myself.
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