It's that time of year...

So my mailbox- and my mail carrier- are groaning under the weight of all those holiday catalogs. There's the usual Everything-in-our-store-is-either-made-of-flannel-or-fleece-and-can-be-monogrammed-so-when-you-wake-up-in-an-unfamiliar-alley-reeking-of-gin-you'll-at-least-know-your-initials book. There's the one featuring a wide assortment of foods assembled into towers. (I love reading that one when I have PMS!) An entire forest dies every year for TOYS!TOYS!TOYS! Every kid in America is salivating over that one (except for Lizzie, who is only interested in balloons). Last year, she sat on Santa's lap and told him he should go to the Dollar Store for the balloons. That's my thrifty girl! (One year she asked the mall Santa to bring her broccoli- that was a little awkward...)
Anyhoodles, a new book arrived this year full of new-age-y things like incense and candles- and a stainless steel tongue scraper. I WISH I was making that last one up. Unfortunately for that guy from KISS, it only comes in one size but it also was only a buck so whaddaya expect.... Anyhoohoo, Dear whoever-drew-my-name-for-the-family-gift-exchange: I don't want the tongue scraper for Christmas. In fact, if it has the word "novelty" in the title, save your money: I don't want it. I don't need $90.00 slippers, even if they are "wicked good". I don't want a cable-knit hooded sweater for my pet. FYI- every pet I've ever had has come complete with a nice warm FUR coat.
OMG! Nicki- is THAT why our cats have been puking lately?! Have they become bulemic after seeing the totally-warm-yet-slimming microfiber pet parkas?! Dear Zoey- I know you can read. Quit clawing the back of the couch, asshole. And clean up your own puke.
Back to topic. Please don't beg me to try "just a tiny little slice" of the pecan pie. I won't love it. Pecan pie is like a hubcap full of sugar. I'd rather save all my calories for an extra serving of Mom's stuffing. It's SO good! Just don't tell me what's in it.
At the risk of retitling this post "How to ruin the Holidays", I'd like to mention just one more suggestion. This year, let's not have that same conversation that starts out with "OMG! Remember the time you..." and ends with "... and then you lost the weight/ broke up with that jerk/ got sober/ remembered the rolls in the oven/ etc." Because everything in the middle is bound to make someone feel lousy.